Sunday, February 19, 2006
Who knew the celebration we had for our family Christmas would be the last time we'd see you? It was two months ago yesterday. Here we thought we were so smart -- we has pulled off a family Christmas celebration. Jake was able to bring you to Uncle Dan's so you could open your Christmas presents with the entire family -- your Great Grandma, two great-uncles, two-great aunts, five of your Daddy's cousins, your two aunties, your cousin Quinn, your grandpa-pa and myself. And what a great day we had! You opened your presents -- All the Cinderella toys, a huge stuffed Nemo, several books, and we all enjoyed being together. Who knew it would be our last time for who knows how long? Instead of spending time with you, here I am spending another weekend in my pajamas. Having little focus or direction. Funny how a little almost-three-year-old girl can bring a 50-something woman's life to a screeching halt. I go through times when I feel I should fight -- but am at a loss as to how to do any more than I already have or just give up -- but my love won't let me. I know I should quit feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life . . . but how??? And why???
Thursday, February 09, 2006
It’s been one month, 21 days, 18 hours. . .
Yes, I have gone longer without seeing my sweet Kyra but this time it seems as unbearable as if it had been six months or more. I try not to give up hope, but knowing that her mother really doesn’t want her to see me at all, it is hard to keep that hope up. She is the light of my life, and the depression I have undergone in the time that she has been kept from me has been a living hell. It is a grief, much like I imagine one goes through when losing someone they love. I have become a shell of the person I was before, finding little joy in activities I was loved. I find myself unable to read as much as I used to, becoming a recluse on the weekends. I know I must force myself to get out of bed (and away from the computer – my once source of comfort) but I have little motivation to do so. So here I am, each day I spend away from her another day I miss out on her sweetness and the things we shared – especially reading to her.
